American Graffiti

Back in the 80´s I used to be on TDY in the US for some 5 years. Besides studying and teaching radar and computer science and maintenance one of my pastimes was to collect all kinds of more or less intelligent "writings-on-the-wall".
Some of them may seem outdated or politically incorrect, but: "Hey! - WTF!" On those like all the others I can only take the right of being the reciter...
Enjoy, anyway!

Signs in hallways, on office-desks and -doors:

Our policy is to always blame the computer.

This place is full of willing people:
Some are willing to work.
The others are willing to let them.

You want to talk to the boss?
...or to the one who knows what´s going on in here?

Would you be very upset if I asked you to take your silly-assed problem down the hall?

Overworked and underpaid.

When I want your advice I´ll beat it out of you!

It´s better to remain silent and be thought a fool.
(Than to speak up and remove all doubt.)

Have a nice day.
Somewhere else.

If you have nothing to do, please don´t do it here!

Don´t confuse me with facts.
My mind is made up!

Warning!
Trespassers will be shot!
Survivors will be shot again!
Do you believe in Life after death?
Trespass here and find out!

Murphy´s law:
Whenever something can go wrong, it will!

A clean desk is a sure sign of a sick mind!

This clock will never be stolen.
Our employees are always watching it.

Don´t force it. Just take a bigger hammer!

When everything fails in operating new equipment, read the manual!

If you´re not sure whether it´s wrong or right - it usually is wrong!

If you believe in interchangeable parts to interchange, you need more experience!

How could God create such a beautiful country
... and then fill it up with assholes?

Our business is like a whorehouse:
The better we are the more we get screwed.

If assholes had wings this place would be the airport.

Why do they call it common sense, when it´s so rare?

Doing a good job here is like wetting your pants in a dark suit:
You get a warm feeling, but no one else notices.

"Do not worry about your difficulties in mathematics.
I can assure you that mine are still greater."
(A. Einstein)

This place is protected by Smith and Wesson.

"You can have my gun when you pry it from my cold dead fingers!"
(Charlton Heston?)

...found on restroom walls:

Here I sit, brokenhearted, tried to shit but only farted.
Yesterday I took a chance, staid in lab and shit my pants!

A Lady from Riga took a ride on a Tiger.
When it returned from the ride with the lady inside
there was a smile on the face of the tiger.

Here I sit and meditate,
should I shit or masturbate?

By extensive research we finally found out where all the lights go when they´re switched off:
Into the fridge!

Join the Army!
Travel foreign countries.
Meet exotic people.
... and kill them!

common abbreviations and acronyms:

POET´S day - Piss On Everything, Tomorrow (is) Saturday!

GAY - Got Aids Yet?

PONTIAC - Poor old Negro Thinks It´s A Cadillac

USMC - Uncle Sam´s Misguided Children

US ARMY - Uncle Sam Aint Released Me Yet

10 E C - Tennessee

and here the T-Shirt & bumper-sticker section:

Casting pearls before swine is not a waste of time,
because it breaks the swine's teeth and causes them indigestion.

Only idiots may safely speak in honesty.

All True Wisdom Is Found On Bumper Stickers

I Hate Everyone

Nice Perfume. Must You Marinate In It?

Go Kiss The Front End Of A Moving Semitruck

Let's Keep Out Of Touch

Honking Is For Geese

Answer My Prayers, Steel This Car

Smile. You're on Rear-View Mirror

Eat Healthy, Exercise and Die Anyway!

Your looks make me need a drink!

Cocaine is god´s way of telling you you´re making too much money!

Everybody needs to believe in something.
I believe I´ll have another beer!

This time it´s love.
Next time it´s 20 Bucks!

What can I do you for?

You´re not drunk as long as you can hold on to the floor!

I´m giving up bowling for sex.
...the balls are lighter and you don´t have to change shoes!

I gave up smoking, drinking and sex.
Those were the worst 15 minutes of my life!

I don´t have an alcohol problem!
I drink.
I get drunk.
I fall down.
No problem!

I don´t have an eating problem!
I eat.
I get fat.
I buy new clothes.
No problem!

You´re not the first.
... but can be the next!

I hate to advocate drugs, sex and violence.
But: they´ve always worked for me!

Sex is like snow.
You never know how many inches you´ll get or how long it´s going to last...

Man is not complete until he´s married
- and then he´s finished!

I used to have a drinking problem.
Now I love the stuff!

Get really stoned!
...drink wet cement!

Frogs really got it made:
they eat what bugs ´em!

Wish you were beer.

Stop staring at my tits!
Touch them.

Reality is for people who can´t handle drugs.

This athletic figure is built on beer!

Don´t try to understand me.
Just love me.

I didn´t invent sin.
I´m just trying to perfect it.

Don´t lead me into temptation!
I can find it myself!

No machine can replace me until it learns to drink.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

My wife has a drinking problem.
Me!

Do it today.
Tomorrow it might be illegal!

I´m always in trouble.
But it´s so much fun!

I have a drinking problem.
Two hands and only one mouth.

I´m not as think as you stoned I am.

Take me drunk.
I´m home again.

Booze is the answer.
I just don´t remember the question...

Why can´t I be rich...
Instead of good-looking?

Don´t drink and drive.
You might hit a bump and spill your drink!

Whoever said money can´t buy happiness...
doesn´t know where to shop!

When god made man she was only kidding!

This is the earliest I´ve ever been late.

Last night in town!

I might as well exercise.
I´m in a bad mood anyway.

If I were any lazier I´d slip into a coma...

I may not be perfect,
but all my parts are working perfectly!

I´m on a seafood diet.
I see food I eat!

Too bad ignorance isn´t painful.

Rudeness is little peoples imagination of power.

If life is a stage, I´d like better lighting!

Wip me, beat me,
make me write bad checks!

I´m not deaf.
I´m ignoring you.

Ask me if I care!

Only visiting this planet.

I can´t be overdrawn.
I still have some checks

I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up.

I´m not prejudiced.
I hate everybody!

It used to be wine, women and song - now it´s beer, the ol´ lady and TV.

When the going gets tough - the tough go drinking.

I´m easy to please as long as I get my way.

Roses are red. Violets are blue.
I´m schizophrenic. And so am I.

Life is to important to be taken seriously!

I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person!

Ku Klux Claners are living proof that nazis fuck buffaloes.

God is good, God is fair.
To some he gave brains, to others - hair!

Nobody is perfect.
But some of us are closer than others.

This great body is built on junk food.

Blessed be those who run in circles for they shall be known as wheels.

Sticks and stones will break my bones,
leather and chains excite me!

And on the 8th day God went 4-wheeling!
 

This one I love, especially:

I´ve had no time to prepare a profound message.

In some restaurants:

If you want to spoil your food, bring your own ketchup!

You better watch your hat and coat while eating.
(If you watch your food, you´ll throw up.)

Dinner will be ready when the smoke alarm goes off!

Our boss also is the chef.
Will you please revisit us anyway?

funny...

"I am wid die Hork missailes, and we shuuht down die aircroftels!"
Sometimes even Bavarians can be funny, can´t they?

I shot the sheriff, but I shit not in the bed or pee!
... sounds kinda "weird Al" Yankovich, donut? - Isn´t! Is genuine FW! Yassuh!

lousy translations:

who cares? - wer fegt?

egg, egg, what lake I? - Ei-Ei, was sehe ich?

I´m tired. - Ich bin bereift.

I´m retired. - Ich bin neu bereift.

Don´t be afraid! - Sei kein Fred!

I´m over the edge. - Ich bin über der Ecke.

I´m so sorry. - Ich bin so sauer.

the other way:

die Reise: the Trip
der Reisende: the Tripper

"Ich bekomme ein Steak!" - "I become a steak!" (...really wanna see that one!)

"One beer, but tu!" (...pronounciated like "two")
- thus spoke a German Air Force member (as the one before) in a pub on El Paso´s Dyer Street: What he actually wanted, was an unopened bottle of beer to take out of the pub, which, btw, is prohibited by Texas Law. Why? Beats me...
Anyway: It took some half hour of combined effort of a translator, being there by accident (or just to get drunk, especially after this quite hilarious experience) and the pub´s proprietor to make this guy comprehend two of his several problems (in this case: one with the english language, the other with Texas laws)...

Don´t ask for translation. You either get it or you don´t. Period.

Morgen ist´s, mir brummt der Schädel
neben mir ein fremdes Mädel,
Uhr im Nachttopf, Geld ist weg,
an den Fingern Mösendreck,
in Gedanken Trippersorgen,
aber dennoch: GUTEN Morgen!